1-1-2021

What was (whatever you're talking to me about)? I'm not ever going to talk about it. All you should know is that I was once a petit and naive fool. I had dreams. I thought I was reading my cards correctly. It turns out the cards were upside down. Several years later they re-designed the cards so that they read the same no matter which way you turned them. They wanted to wait until my life was ruined before they made the change. My okcupid bio implies I would respect something like that, but I'm a liar, and I hate it when people trick me.

You get what you give, and you give what you get, and you do what you love, and fuck the rest. I was driving my car in circles in the parking lot and I kept thinking about all the mistakes I've made in my life, and I kept going faster and faster each time I noticed someone looking at me. Then I saw this beautiful woman looking at me, so I slowed to a stop thinking she was going to come over to my car and ask if I was okay. She didn't. I stopped acting out and went to the local cafe that plays death cab for cutie and I cried when When Soul Meets Body started playing. I ate a biscotti and a scone. I looked at twitter on my phone. I drafted a tweet that said "i'm so lonely" and then deleted it because it wasn't going to turn into anything.

We Are The Modern Cowboys. I wrote that on the dashboard of my car on DXM, then I started crying because I thought I had given myself brain damage. I care about my own wellbeing in a round-the-bout way, whether I will admit it to you or not (I won't).

Most european people are depressed and they don't know why, it's because they're european. They might cite decolonial theory as a source of their internalized shame and ennui, but that's just because no one ever told them its just because they're european. All the people with european heritage in america are able to have a dope life because they aren't constantly reminded they're related to some guy named "frietrich bichyberg the second" from the village of "pietersdik". These aren't new ideas, but they're important to carry with you.

This has a lot to do with DXM, because somewhere a european is drinking Robitussin because he thinks its what rappers refer to when they talk about lean, and he desperately wants to be Paul Wall, and he spiritually needs to be like Paul Wall. This will never happen. so fucked up