R33_RAVER :: tuner's diary

wht could be better than this? my nissan skyline R33 going 123 MPH on the highway. im listening to the best peter rauhofer remixes. im wearing one of those tommy hilfiger teddy bear sweaters over a stussy button-up. i got a haircut earlier that day. the taste of caffe nero. the scent of exotic perfumes from the strange people who were just in my car purchasing acid from me. i dont need to race someone to feel validated in how much money i spend on my car. i put this money in because i love this, because my leisure time doesnt require much spending otherwise. i have savings. i have skateboard. i don't use it. i don't need it. i drive my car, i take acid, i listen to trance and tribal house with my friends who share my interests, i go to my favorite club and i get in for free because im on the list and people like me. i don't think about the future because i am in the future as far as i'm concerned, and i am.

we meet up on mondays at midnight. by this i mean we meet up on the midnight of sunday when monday begins. if we didnt get 2 fuxked up at the club we all meet up at a rest stop 4 truckers underneath the beltway tht encircles the city. free from the tyranny of the club p.a. we trade mp3s and drug samples and talk about our favorite music and how much we love our car. someone will mention tragedy which is a real thing and the richest person at the meet-up will tell them not to kill the vibe. we've never agreed there ever was a vibe not once, but for some reason we decide not to discuss pain at the meet-up because of the vibe the richest person always wants to preserve.

but pain is the answer 2 the question "why are we all interested in meeting up and driving fast cars on the highway of this city we live in with so so many problems." i and maybe a few other ppl realize our interests r a reaction 2 a syndemic tht i can't say i know all the components of. i only know tht its painful to bear all these things. the relief i find in driving really fast and tuning my car to work more efficiently and longer says i am willing and ready to travel a great distance and i am prepared to enjoy the fruits of industry and help cultivate them. and brother its true i admire the dreams of pre-Red Scare america (the socio-political phenomenon not the late-10s pop-left podcast hosted by anya khachiyan and donna nekrosova). i would work in a factory if it were 4 hours a day, 4 days a week, and not very hard because i receive assistance from robot machines. but all the factory jobs they got nowadays are in god knows where... some platform on the ocean - wave-proof - inhabited by indentured child workers who live off ramen noodles with little torn up pieces of slim jim in them they heat up with a heat lamp and then lay on top of the warped tupperware for a little bit and their whole existence is just eating and breathing in trace particles of the cheapest kind of plastic. life in my city doesnt hurt as much as that, its worse actually bc of psychology and generational trauma and fear. @ least at that slave colony u can get into a groove. there is no groove here, just misery. u can choose to opt-out and develop your own groove but u have to do something illegal, which is fine until u get caught. i did that and im alright, im smart enough. i wish i could be a enviromental lawyer or something but do u think i can do that now? how many years of untreated ADHD i must have? my destiny is in these cars, and trance. my soul has been scarred, i would be better suited making trance music than going into law. i know i could advocate for some things that need advocating for but the judges juries and executioners would never listen to me, the media paints me as a fool, because the media is bankrolled by the ppl who dont want me 2 succeed, and that influences the public who r only slightly less fucked up than me and my other less well-to-do friends.

i am anorexic, i don't have body dysmorphia i just want to weigh as little as i possibly can so my car will go faster. the kind of women i'm into aren't usually into it unfortunately. if i wanted 2 date emo girls that play legend of zelda i would be so lucky but that's just not what i'm into. and could u imagine doing acid with one of them? jesus... actually to tell u the truth it's a little bit of both: i want my car to be fast and i can only afford junk food and cookies cause of all the money i spend on my car. im not saying im broke, i have savings, its just my rent is so much. i could tell u something about the housing market where im at but its probably nothing u dont already know where U are. every property owner is watching the same vlogger who is telling them to do the same shit, they all have the same idea of how to ruin our lives cause they want the fitness model husband/wife/enby wife/enby husband

if u do rly fast driving with no one in the passenger seat for a long enough time u kind of go crazy. ive totally lost all sense of self before. it wasnt even ego death cause i feel like ppl still are able to have thoughts at that point. all i could percieve was speed and the absense of speed. i pulled over and could feel the stillness and i didnt like it at all. the meaninglessness i mean to escape with driving hit me so fast at such a great force. did u see that viral tabloid news article titled 'DISGUSTING- STREET RACERS WHO FATALLY STRUCK MOTHER AND CHILD ARE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE DAMAGE TO THEIR CAR'? i couldn't bear to click on it, but trying to empathize with them as a fellow street racer, what if they were in a high-rent neighborhood? were the mother and child white? what did the mother do for a living? how much money did they make? u may say that im a sociopath but im not the only one, and really its your fault for doing jim crow and the cold war and ruining everyones hopes and dreams underneath their noses. especially mine. how come benjamin franklin got to have horse and buggy races and get high all day not doing SHIT and suddenly im a bad guy cause i wanna do that too? hes on the 100 dollar bill but he wasnt making ANY money. he had syphillis im not that stupid to get that shit. put me on the 100 dollar bill.

sorry for getting a little ugly just now.

this is a story i tell to people im meeting for the first time, its like a freak tester, imagine i keep trying to get your attention in between sentences. this is all true by the way: ive never felt unsafe behind the wheel of a car. any car at all, no matter who is driving. i have the one true god to thank for that and im not afraid of death, its been beautiful to have felt what i have felt in my lifetime, and ive been ready for heaven for sometime now, ive had a few tastes of it. god chooses people and he's clearly chosen me if i've literally felt heaven more than once. he's said to me "this is what it will be like." that means something. i remember it vividly but you wouldn't get it so i won't even talk about it. well if you insist i was going so fast my eyes were watering from the euphoria. i was candyflipping. there was no one else on the highway everyone had gone home. i saw a hand come out of the sky and it touched me, if it tried to pry open my mouth i would have sucked on its fingers cause im gay when i take x but it wasnt like that, and maybe it was a girls or nonbinary persons hand who knows. my vision went black and i had a full body orgasm, my windows were up but all i could hear still was the wind whipping past my shit, i had some techno music playing and i couldnt hear that, but i could feel the bass frequency in the kick drum or whatever and it was like fucking me in the ass almost, and it was techno so it was constant. not once was i afraid of crashing even though i couldn't see or hear. who knows what i looked like, probably fucked up. i woke up at a 7-11 and i had bought those little chocolate donettes by little debby and a double chocolate yoohoo? i thought "they still make this shit?" and then i went home and slept for 17 hours, i think. it was in 2 parts the more i think about it. i woke up 8 hours in maybe and then slept more. i smelled good the whole time, i didnt even wake up sweaty or anything. hand on the bible bro, i swear to god lol