Ryder Ripps, Please Bring Back Abacus Pills

EDITOR'S NOTE: later in this article it is implied that ryder ripps was behind the CIA's 2021 redesign. ripps was apparently joking when he said this on his "instagram portfolio." that's pretty funny. i would have done that too lol...

Ryder, I am your biggest fan. I think you are so cool. I have been inspired by your cool websites and art since I was 14, your artistic sensibilities and irreverent wit moved me to pursue a career in the arts, almost as much as AIDS3D and Thejogging did. You are definitely at least half as cool as them. I think its cool that you like to drink Red Bull, have you ever tried methamphetamine? I have. We should get together and I can give you some. I think you would like it, if you don't we can just drink Red Bull together. Do you like vodka and Red Bull? That's the only thing I get at bars, if they have sugar-free Red Bull that is. If they don't have that I just get water. I copied the HTML of your website to make my portfolio site, I'm definitely not as busy as you haha. Your site is more complicated than it looks, you really know how to make something look stripped down but highly functional, thats why your the best.

I am writing this letter to ask you to make Abacus Pills again, I know that you invented them. I remember getting them in the mail freshman year of art school. Everyone thought I was the shit and that I was cool because I had these. Sometimes a professor would mention you and something you did and I would raise my hand and say "I take his pills." I wanted them to know how great your pills were. Why did you discontinue them?

You "worked with a team of nutritionists and doctors to determine what the most effective cocktail of legal substances would be for Abacus and they settled on a combination of caffeine, ginkgo biloba leaf, l-theanine, and methylcobalamin." How could you just abandon them by not making it anymore? You betrayed all of us. You said you "took an Abacus each morning with [your] breakfast and a single small coffee." And you "[ate] a lot less TUMS too."

OK, Focus on this, Ryder. The energy supplement world is in flames. VPX Sports, the maker of Bang porn energy, donates millions to Donald Trump Politics and republican people. I get the most high off of Bang, not because it gets me the most high, but because its distribution is crazy. It's everywhere. They sell it at Wal-Mart in 12 packs for $14.88. Bang's design aesthetic is a synthesis of scenecore and Spinnin' Records music videos circa 2010. Bang asks southern Baptists to add "rawr" and "smexii" to their lexicon, and they will, because you left the energy world.

You have the formula, and as the CIA proves, your sensibilities are in demand. You could compete with Bang. You have the pull, the name recognition, the money, and me on your side. We could all use a little energy, Ryder. Let it rip.